"My life"
"Is ever so perfect"
"My life"
"Has been a bed of roses"
"And you might think I'm crazy"
"So what, if I am"
"My head is full of good things"
"Enough for everyone"
"Beautiful"
"Is all I see when I look at me"
"Beautiful"
"Everymother's dream"
"Day by day"
" Things just keep getting prettier"
"Beautiful"
" What a wondeful life"
"My life"
"is really quite simple"
"My life"
"is just what I make it"
"I think you think I'm seeing"
"Only things I wanna see"
"The truth is that I'm being"
"Who I wanna be"
"Beautiful"
"What a wondeful life"
"Beautiful"
"Things keep getting prettier"
"Beautiful"
- "Thinks keep getting prettier" - "So pretty"
"Beautiful"
"My life, beautiful"
There are 2 different ways of getting into a swimming pool.
The first way, you take your toe...
and you carefully test the water's temperature.
And if that feels okay, slowly get into the water,
letting your body adjust to the cold.
Then there's the second way of getting into a pool.
- Aah! - You jump.
That's me, Mary Katherine Gallagher. It's nice to meet you.
Okay. Now, they say that God works in mysterious ways.
And in my case, very mysterious.
Anyway, this is my story,
and you should pay attention 'cause it's starting right now.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Your birthmark looks like shit.
- So, you're okay? - Yeah.
Lifeguard!
Aah!
I grew up in a little town called Besamee Heights.
It's this really friendly place where everyone likes to say "hi. "
Hi there.
I grew up in what people called the ugliest house...
with the ugliest lawn and the ugliest dog.
My mom and dad died in this horrible accident when I was a baby,
so my grandmother took care of me.
And my grandmother was in an accident too.
Actually, most of my family had gotten hurt at some point.
We're sort of accident-prone.
I'm off.
Now, my grandmother used to always say that when I grow up,
I should become a business woman.
But I didn't really think about business,
mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about the one thing...
that I wanted more than anything in the world.
A kiss. A big Hollywood fireworks type of kiss.
So each night before I went to bed, I would pray for God to help me.
And please, God, send me someone to make out with...
and tongue kiss like this.
Then one day while me and my grandmother...
were watching some old movie, it hit me.
There was only one way I'd ever get what I wanted.
I would have to become exactly like those people I saw...
getting kissed in the movies.
- I would have to become- - A superstar.
Ooh, ah.
This is St. Monica's.
It was the first place I really thought I had a chance...
of making my dream come true.
Superstar!
- Amen. - Shh.
Sorry.
So I tried out for every star-making activity that St. Monica's offered.
- Higher. Higher. - Like ballet.
Ooh!
And my gymnastics tryout didn't go very well either.
Whoa!
Evian Graham, the most beautiful, most popular,
most bulimic girl at St. Monica's.
Summer, Autumn, I need your help.
- Yes, Evian? - Yes, Evian?
We could either organize a walkathon to fight multiple sclerosis...
or a bike-a-thon to fight polio.
- What'll it be? Hmm? - Hmm.
All the boys liked her. I think because she had a nice body.
What are you looking at, boobsweat?
- Nothing. - It's called a bra, Mary.
But don't worry. You'll never need one.
Ow! You hurt my titty.
I'm sorry. You had a little spot there on your brassiere,
and I was just trying to... wipe it off.
I'm sorry.
I got this after-schooljob at Kip's Video Warehouse...
as the rewind girl...
so that I could study as many superstars as possible.
I thought the more movies I watched,
the more they'd rub off on me, and people said that they did.
Especially movies like Carrie,
starring Academy Award-winner Sissy Spacek.
What are you doing?
I'm using my telekinesis to kill the girl...
who threw pig's blood on me at the prom.
Okay.
Kip also had those made-for- television movies which I love.
Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
It has been two days since my last confession.
Go ahead. Tell me your sins, my child.
Father, my sins would best be expressed...
in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie Sybil,
starring Sally Field as a woman with multiple personality disorder.
- Go ahead. - Ah, look at you.
My pretty little girl,
sitting there with her face all painted up and a little halter top.
You're nothing but a little slut.
Don't call me that. I'm a Puerto Rican lady, senor.
We all know you're a slut, Sybil Anne Dorsett.
We know you're a little slut. No, I'm not! I'm not a slut!
I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut!
I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I ain't no slut!
Sorry. Sorry.
No big deal.
The more I kept trying to become a superstar,
the less they thought I was one.
In fact, they had all these other names for me.
Hey, lesbo.
- Dogface. - Panty stain.
- And they also called me- - Skid mark.
- Nipple hair. - Lame.
- Loser. - Did I say lesbo?
Are you aware that I am rubber and you are glue...
and everything that you say to me bounces off of me and sticks to you?
So put that in your back pocket. Okay.
And then I saw the one who I wanted to kiss.
Sam, what's up? Hey, Greg.
- Dig the sneaks. - Thanks.
Debbie, shaved your legs.
- Hey, Tom, sorry your dad's dead. - It was him.
Sky Corrigan.
The best guy dancer in the school.
"Don't Don't stop it"
- I call this one The Pepper Mill. - "Don't stop, don't stop it"
Enjoy.
"Don't, don't, don't Don't stop it"
Uh-oh. Is that the prettiest girl in all of St. Monica's?
All signs point to "yes. "
I bet you put that cherry lip gloss on just for me.
- Shut up. - You shut up.
- No, you shut up. - Make me shut up.
Okay.
I like sugar.
Sugar is sweet.
I had a really good time on our date last night. Did you?
I wore this kiwi lime lip gloss just for you.
You like it? Huh?
You like kiwi?
Shut up.
You shut up. 'Cause you're sexy.
Shh. Shh.
I'm gonna spank you. You wanna be spanked?
Huh? You want me to spank your booty?
I'll spank it. I'll spank it. I'll spank you.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, God.
Oh, my body.
Sorry. Sorry. I was-
I was just- I was just doing my part to save the rain forest.
Sorry.
Mary, you're a special girl,
so special that we're going to put you in special ed.
What are you doing with your hands?
Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms...
and I smell them like that.
The universe. How does it work?
The Earth circles around the sun.
Mary, welcome to special ed.
- My name is... - Helen Lewengrub.
Is that all you got?
She was center for the girl's basketball team.
She was a lean, mean fighting machine.
Do you have a best friend? You wanna be my best friend?
Maybe. I have to be really honest with you.
Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded.
Sorry. Totally.
When I call your name, just say "here, "hmm?Hmm?Hmm?
- Howard Feinstein? Hmm? - Yo! Present.
Howard thinks all the girls in school wanna sleep with him.
And the boys too.
You wanna quit looking at me, fruity.
I don't play butt darts, okay?
I love the ladies.
- Owen Flanagan? - Here. Here. Here. Here. Here.
Owen has obsessive-compulsive disorder.
He says everything, like,five times.
- Maria Ganitisis? - Here.
But, uh, the devil speaks for me, obviously.
Ah.
- Thomas Smith? - Here.
But I don't know where here is, man, 'cause I'm so wasted, man.
Thomas, stop pretending that you're high on drugs.
It is a sin to even pretend that you're- you're- you're baked.
He's too scared to actually take drugs.
- Drugs are bad. - Eric Slater? Hmm?
Retards!
Would you please go back to your own class? Please. Go!
Mr. Slater, I presume. Hmm?
How come he's not answering?
Slater just transferred here from public school.
He's crazy. They say he chopped up his parents.
And now he never talks.
Let's try it again. Eric Slater? Hmm?
Yes, well, moving on.
Hey, new friend.
Did you see that sign they're putting up?
"Catholic Teenager Magazine presents...
"the Let's Fight Venereal Disease Talent Contest.
"Winner gets a free trip to Hollywood-
And a chance to be an extra...
in a movie with positive moral values. "
Oh, God.
Miss Gallagher!
Miss Gallagher, so how does it feel to be an extra...
in a movie with positive moral values?
- It feels okay. - Miss Gallagher.
How does it feel to have everyone wanna kiss you...
that particular way you wanna be kissed?
Miss Gallagher, howdoes it feel to be a superstar?
This was my chance.
If I could win the talent contest, Sky's lips would definitely be mine.
Hey, everybody. I dreamt of this new dance move last night.
I call this The Fax Machine.
Oh!
I wish I could dance with Sky Corrigan.
Sky's definitely the Swayziest, but he's gonna dance with Evian.
Exactly! You did it perfectly.
You're so good.
What do you think Slater would do in the talent show?
Maybe he'll murder some people...
and make a flesh coat by sewing their skin hides together.
I'm sorry.
I was rewinding Silence of the Lambs at the video store yesterday.
Isn't it romantic
"Merely to be young"
On such a night
As this
Isn't it romantic
Merely to be young
On such a night as this
Sweet
Singing in the moonlight
Introductions are important.
When introducing oneself, first make eye contact.
With a confident smile, say, "Hi. I'm-"
- Mary Katherine Gallagher. - Not bad. Try again.
Hi. I'm Mary Katherine Gallagher.
- And where is your hand? - Right here.
In a new friend's hand, that's where.
So, I was-
I was saying that I was thinking of entering the talent contest.
The talent contest?
No, no! You have to study business.
- But- - No buts!
And forgive those who trespass against us.
Please, God, convince my grandmother to let me be in the talent show...
so that I can get kissed, maybe by Sky Corrigan.
Superstar!
The Body of Christ.
- The Body of Christ. - Amen.
- The Body of Christ. - Are these nonfat?
Hey, Mary. Why so glum?
My grandmother won't let me audition for the talent show.
The only boy willing to go near me is Howard.
Mmm.
Just, like, audition anyway and don't tell her.
Really? You think so?
That's it. You're feeling sad.
- So you know what it's time for? - What?
Supermodel documentary hour.
Shall I look straight here?
I was just walking down the street one day,
and a man come up to me and he said,
"Would you like to be a supermodel?"
I said, "Oui, " and the next day I'm on the cover of Vogue.
Christy Turlington and Naomi Campbell...
are two of my very best friends.
When we get together, it is, like, total, total and utter insanity.
Insanity! It's like three of the most gorgeous girls raising hell.
Problem, ladies?
Sorry, Father Ritley. Sorry.
Sorry, everybody. Sorry.
- Excuse me. - Whoa. Sorry.
- You're cool? - You scared me.
Yeah, I'm okay.
Your boss sent me back here to find a movie.
Hey, don't you go to my school?
Yes, I do.
Listen, I'm looking for a made-for-TV movie from the '70s...
starring John Travolta, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble?
That's my 19th favorite made-for-TV movie of all time.
- That's my 19th also. - Wow.
Yeah. "All around me.
Plastic. "
- "A bubble for me-" - "To be-"
"Germ free. You-"
- "And me. " - "And me. "
Sky, forget that stupid old movie. I'm getting Flubber again.
Okay, Evian. Hey, nice meeting you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.
- Sky. - Sky.
- Be kind. Rewind. - Okay.
That's funny.
Evian?
- Mary, rewind this. - Oh, sure.
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
I used to watch that movie all the time. See ya.
Bye.
Listen, I'll be back later to help you get inside, okay?
Is he the one you're going with?
Who says I'm going with anybody?
Todd, put your face up against the plastic.
- What for? - I did what you wanted me to do.
Now do it. Do it. Do it.
Hey, Mare. What you doing?
Well, I was just doing the robot.
It's something that I was thinking about doing for the talent show.
Hi, Mary. I like to do all I can to help the challenged.
So a word ofadvice.
I wouldn't say "Superstar" anymore...
because some people might say that you super-suck.
Go suck your boyfriend's ding-a-ling.
- Go shave your mustache, Helen. - Or should we say Geraldo?
Gotta go jog for glaucoma. Bye.
Evian, you're a superass!
Evian does have a super ass.
Oh, I know.
That's okay.
Hey, Mare.
- You want half of my Sloppy Joseph? - No, thanks.
It's time to feed the retards!
- Hey, cut it out! - Wanna make something out of this?
Maybe you want some of my salad all over your face!
Aah!
Helen, have you ever kissed a boy before?
Owen kissed me five times on the cheek once.
- Really? - Hey, Owen.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
- I don't mean on the cheek. - Okay, who do you wanna kiss?
Todd, peanut butter and jelly. Classic.
- Vivica, low-fat salad. - Sky Corrigan.
But, Mare, Sky's taken.
- You should kiss Howard. - Ugh.
He likes you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Mr. Feinstein, Pope-a-licious. I love it.
Hey, Mary.
I saw you outside doing that robot thing.
You have some nice moves.
- Thank you. - You have some nice moves.
You have some nice moves.
Nice moves.
Mooooves.
May I have... this dance?
"Everybody dance now"
- Whoo! - "Everybody dance now"
"Left to right"
" Work me all night"
" Come on, let's sweat"
"Baby"
"Let the music take control"
"Let the rhythm move you"
"Sweat"
Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
"Let the rhythm move you"
Yeah!
Fame!
"Everybody dance now"
Mary.
What are you doing?
Sometimes I-
I get low blood sugar and it-
it makes me a little bit shaky.
Sorry. Sorry.
How is the, um, talent competition coming?
Quite well.
I don't want to point the finger of blame, but...
who broke the good toaster?
These are my breasts.
Oh, God. They're so big.
I just need a big bra to strap 'em back and support them...
because they're so huge.
They need to be hooked and strapped in for support.
They're my big boobs.
This one is bigger than this one,
'cause this is a mommy and that's a baby.
And this one is very nice to this one,
and they hold hands 'cause they're friends.
And forgive those who trespass against us.
Amen.
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
Good night, candle.
Good night, God.
Good night, Mary.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my me!
- How are you? - It's going okay.
- Are you the Lord? - Well, to you I am.
See, technically, you're like in this REM sleep state,
and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God,
some past authority figures, Sky, and your dad.
Basically, your subconscious came up with me to help you deal, dig?
Yeah.
Uh, you want a glass of water?
No, I'm good. I'm God.
Oh, right.
- Is this your stereo? - Yep.
- CD player, huh? - Yep.
We don't have these.
Spirit in the sky, in the- That song's about me.
Mary, I know your soul is troubled.
And I'm here to guide you.
Okay.
My child, during this time of great adversity,
I want you to do one thing:
Get jiggy with it.
- What? - You know. Get jiggy with it.
Na, na, na, na, na, na
Na-na, na-na, na na, na, na Ow!
I'm- I'm very sorry,
but I- I don't know exactly what the word "jiggy" means.
The point is, I work in mysterious ways.
I mean, out there.
Listen to your heart. Do whatever it tells you...
and go with the godly flow.
Okay.
- Oh, and most important, - Yeah?
when you wake up in the morning, audition.
"Na, na, na-na, na, na"
Na-na, na-na, na na, na, na, na
Good afternoon, ladies. You're all looking quite lovely this afternoon.
What do you want?
She probably wants to try out for the squad.
I was actually wondering if any of you would be kind enough...
to show me the sign-up sheet for the auditions.
Oh, right. She's a superstar.
As president ofthe Catholic Cheerleaders Against VD Foundation,
I can't let you sign up for the audition.
But I wanna sign up for the auditions.
Mary, fighting VD isn't a joke. It's a very serious disease.
Besides, Sky and me are gonna win anyway.
Hey, guys, I got a new cheer.
- Evian? - John the Baptist lost his head
Evian!
I'm really sorry that I pushed you. It was an accident.
I just really wanna sign up for the auditions.
Well, I'm really sorry that I pushed you.
But I just can't let a hymenally-challenged dog...
sign up for the audition.
- Ooh! - Well, you know what?
You're a very mean girl, and you're gonna go to hell for saying that.
You're a really pushy girl, and I might just wanna kick your ass.
Yeah? Well, I just might wanna kickyour ass!
Well, come on, Super Sucks.
If I was Sissy Spacek in the movie Carrie,
I would use my telekinesis to kill you.
You know what, Mary?
- Not yet. - Sorry.
Mary, you know why your parents died?
Because you're such an embarrassment,
they couldn't bear to live anymore.
You know what, Evian? You should be really embarrassed...
because your parents named you after bottled water.
Hey, is there a problem here?
My titties!
- Yaah! - Hey!
- Yaah! - Aah.
Karate kick.
- I rewound those Jackie Chan movies. - Nevertheless.
Evian, I'm disappointed in you.
At this school, any student, including Mary,
is allowed to make a fool of herself at the auditions.
I'm suspending you for the rest of the day.
- But, Father Ritley- - Evian.
Father Ritley, the person you wanted to see is on her way.
Ah, well, send her in when she gets here.
- You are so dead. - Go drink a bottle of yourself.
Mmmmmm! Aah!
Evian, Mary, stop that.
Mary! Stop it!
Ah!
Evian, you're dismissed.
I hate you.
"Go drink a bottle of yourself"?
Miss Gallagher-
Miss Gallagher, what's that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?
I told her to move her big, white butt...
or I would coldcock her honky ass.
To Sister Eileen? Why would you say such a thing?
The video store where I work got Spike Lee movies.
Ah, yes. You're the- You're the rewind girl at Kip's Video.
Yes, I am.
Well, let's pretend that your life's a movie.
We rewind it. It ends.
You're dead. How was it?
My feelings would best be expressed in a monologue...
from the made-for-TV movie Portrait of a Teenage Centerold,
starring Miss Lori Singer from Footloose.
Ifyou must.
It excites me, Daddy.
Don't you see?
I like it when the men look at me.
You try to keep me trapped here in this small town...
like a little animal.
But I am bustin' out, Daddy.
I'm gonna see the world, and the world is gonna see me.
They're gonna see all of me, Daddy.
- All of me! - Mary-
- Mary, stop that! Stop that now! - Look! Look!
What are you doing with my grandchild?
Nothing! We were-
Mrs. Gallagher,
I called you here today to discuss your granddaughter's problem.
Now, upon reflection, I think a combination of prayer and Ritalin...
could eliminate her excess energy.
How dare you. My Mary has no problem.
My granddaughter is a star.
- What? - Look at that face.
She looks like a young Elizabeth Taylor.
You may call her hyperactive.
But if the Good Lord gave her excess energy,
then, by God, no one's taking it from her.
If you don't appreciate that,
maybe the problem is not my granddaughter.
Maybe the problem is this school.
- I'm taking her home. - Mrs. Gallagher!
Good day to you, sir. Mary!
Mrs. Gallagher, listen to reason. Ay!
I couldn't believe my grandmother told Father Ritley I was a star.
She'd never said that before.
She'd also never run over a priest before.
Sorry.
I can't believe he suspended you. It so wasn't your fault.
- Thank you. I know. - Mary started the whole thing.
Thank you. I know.
Hold on a second. I've been through a trauma and I need a moment.
And now Father Ritley is letting her audition.
That is the last time I try to help someone.
She is so going to regret this.
I gotta go. That's probably Sky.
- Bye, Evian. - Hi, Sky.
Do you miss me as much as I miss you so much?
Evian, I saw what you did to Mary today.
Not too ladylike. I think we need to talk.
- Is something wrong? - Look, I can't talk right now.
- But you just called me. - Look, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Meet me at the gym. Bye.
Hmm.
...throughout the New England area.
They've been hit hard this winter, but the South remains warm.
Grandma, why did you tell Father Ritley that I was a star?
I was just talking.
Because that's- that's what I wanna be.
- I really want to audition. - You want to be a businesswoman.
That's what you want. Don't you understand?
This is everything I've ever wanted.
This is everything I've ever hoped for.
I just want my life to begin. Dreams can come true, you know.
And when Johnny comes back from the war, we can start a family...
and begin our life together on the farm.
Mary!
Could I please, please, please, please audition?
- No. - Please?
No.
You're horrible! You're horrible!
Horrible!
- Mary. - Leave me alone!
I didn't want to do this.
But it's time I told you how your parents died.
What does that have to do with the talent contest?
Everything.
I thought you said that Mom and Dad were savagely ripped apart...
and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
I just told you that to make you feel better.
What I'm about to tell you now is the truth, so help me God.
Seventeen years ago,
your parents entered...
the Besamee Heights annual stepdancing competition.
You mean, stepdancing like in Riverdance?
That's nothing to what your parents could do.
My mother taught it to me. I taught it to your mom.
But so help me, Mary, you will never stepdance...
as long as I walk this- wheel around the earth.
The year you were born,
the stepdancing competition was fierce.
A couple named O'Shea...
looked like they'd be the first to beat your mom and dad.
But your mother was determined to keep her title,
no matter what it took.
It began well enough. Your parents ate up that stage.
Just when it looked as though your parents would be triumphant again,
the unthinkable happened.
Fat Teddy McGinty's belly struck the record player,
accidentally turning up the speed.
The dancers began stepping quicker and quicker, trying to keep up.
And that's when your mother fell.
And she took your dad down with her.
And before the dancers could stop themselves,
they stomped your parents to death.
Oh, Mary, I know you want to perorm,
but when you're a businesswoman,
you'll be sitting behind a desk all day, safe.
Rotate!
Oh, is that all you got? Come on!
- Sky and Evian are breaking up. - Oh, my God!
Sky and Evian are gonna break up. Sky's gonna break up with Evian.
Come on!
Here he comes.
Hi, Sky. What did you wanna talk to me about?
I think it would work for me if we broke up.
I- I-I don't understand. This is such a shock. What's wrong?
Now you're giving me attitude.
Just tell me what I did wrong.
Listen, we talked about this last night...
till I was blue in the face.
We're just growing in different directions.
I mean, you're this way and I'm- I'm that way.
You're here. I'm there.
And there's no one right in here.
So it's over. Just like that. It's over.
- You're telling me that it's over. - I guess so.
Hey, Bartholomew, nice name.
Just breathe.
- Poor Evian. - Lucky you.
Sky's a single slice of beefcake now.
And he's on the rebound.
It's, like, so obvious that you two are gonna hook up.
You really think so?
Remember, he said you have nice moves.
That means he was looking at your body,
which means he thinks you're doable.
So basically, he asked you to sleep with him.
My goodness. This relationship is moving too fast.
Go talk to him before somebody else dates him.
- Go. Go. Go. - I don't know.
Go!
Excuse me.
- Hey, Mary. - Hey, what's up? What's up?
Um, Sky, I know...
that you haven't been s-single for a long time...
or anything like that, but I was wondering...
if- if-
Oh, God, you smell so good.
Oh, no!
- Sorry. - It's gonna be okay.
Now you have to audition for the show.
'Cause that way Sky could see how talented you are,
and he will definitely kiss you.
Really? You think so?
- Totally. - Wow.
Sky, promise me,
after you destroy the meteor that's headed towards Earth,
you'll come back and kiss me.
I promise, babe.
All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
"I'm standing here"
Outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say good-bye
I don't know how to tell you this.
But I just want you to know that...
I'm really going-
Can you shut the hell up!
I'm trying to talk!
- You gotta go. - No.
- You have to get off me. - No!
- Mary, please get off. - No!
- Get the hell off me! - No! I wanna stay!
Get off! There's a meteor coming!
No!
Mary, did you rewind the tape? The customer's waiting.
- Oh, yeah. Sorry. - Come on. It's two-dollar Tuesday.
Evian.
Good to see you. Out walking for scoliosis again?
Oh, no, Mrs. Corrigan. I just came by to give Sky this.
- Is he home? - Yes, he's just-
Actually, can you wait a moment?
No, definitely not. No way.
I'm sorry. Sky's not home.
Oh. Okay.
Then could you tell him if he wants to talk to give me a call?
Don't wanna talk. Go away.
Okay, I'll tell him if I see him. Nice knowing you.
Oh, but wait. I'm still gonna see you around, aren't I?
Oh. Now you're giving me attitude?
I'm not giving you attitude. Just tell me what I did wrong.
What are you going to do, hit me too?
Hey, Evian, I made up a new dance move.
It's called The Move On With Your Life. Ha!
I did The Fax Machine for you!
Mary Katherine Gallagher...
must die.
No, I do like you.
But it's too soon.
You just broke up with her. We can't.
Stop making me laugh.
Oh, dear God, please make this crazy kid go away.
Go away. Go away. Go away.
Dear God, please make this crazy kid go away.
What do you want from me?
My journal.
Thanks.
A flower.
Thanks.
Thank you, Thomas, for that tribute to Star Wars.
Very, uh, astounding.
Like I was there. Well, we seem to have a lot of-
I feel really good about our chances, don't you, Sky?
Do you hear something, Dylan?
'Cause it sounds like someone I used to go out with...
acting like we're still going out, even though we're definitely not.
- Definitely not. - No.
Game over.
The devil went down to Georgia
He was looking for a soul to steal
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind
And he was willing to make a deal
When he came across this young man
Sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot
"Andthe devil jumped up on a hickory stump and said"
" "Boy, let me tell you what"
And the devil's in you and the devil's in me
- The devil's got a big hard- - Uh, Maria!
Thank you, Maria. Thank you.
Next up we have, um, Mary Katherine-
Gallagher! Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Okay, just stand there. Here. Stand here.
Come. Stand there. Stand there. That's good.
So, what are you going to do for us, Mary?
I just wanna say... that I'm multitalented,
but today I've chosen to express myself through song.
Okay.
You
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
"I'd rather tell you honestly"
Than mislead you with a lie
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
"I have to close my eyes"
And hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down
And cry
I wanna hold you
" Till the fear in me"
Subsides
Mary, that was- that was good.
- Good. - Superstar!
Shut up!
You said you liked the movie Carrie. How do you like it now, Mary?
- Retard! - Shut up!
- Boobsweat! - Shut up!
Retard!
- This is not funny. Shut up, man! - Mary!
Mary?
- " You're motorin '" - Mary Katherine, please!
- " What's your price for flight" - Mary!
"In finding Mr. Right"
" You'll be allright tonight"
"Motorin '"
" What's your price for flight"
" You've got him in your sights"
" You're driving through the night"
"Sister Christian Oh, the time has come"
"And you know that you're the only one to say"
Slater, would you talk to me?
Can you please just say something to me, please?
Your birthmark looks like shit.
You're the little boy that I saved at the pool?
Yeah.
"But you're motorin "
So why does everyone think you're crazy?
Because I n-n-n-n-n-never talk.
So people make up stories.
And I'd rather that they're scared of me than...
make fun of my st-st-stutter.
So what really happened to your parents?
They were savagely ripped apart...
and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
- That happens a lot. - Yeah.
Hey, Slater,
I know I haven't known you that long or anything, but...
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
Do you think I'm pretty?
Sometimes I just-
I just hate the way I am.
I'm sorry I almost drowned you.
That's all right. I was probably drowning before you got there.
- I'm a horrible swimmer. - Really?
That's funny.
Mary?
I think you look... great.
I think you look beautiful.
Well, I'm gonna go wash off. Do you wanna come with me?
- What are you doing? - Uh, t-t-t-testing the water.
There's two ways that you can get into the water.
That way or... this way!
Whoa,
I slid.
This is my house. So, thanks.
Hey, Slater.
Did you really mean it when you said that you thought I looked beautiful?
Yeah.
Do you think that even without the talent show,
Sky would still wanna kiss me?
I think Sky would have to be cr-cr-crazy not to wanna kiss you.
Really?
Oh! Thanks.
I'll, uh, see you later, Mary.
Oh, God.
Thank you so much for making Slater my friend.
And please, God, forgive me...
for not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight.
I had a dream
"A dream about you, baby"
- Hi, Grandma. - "It's gonna come true, baby"
Sorry I'm late.
I stayed at school to study business,
and I lost track of time.
Father Ritley called.
He told me you tried out for the talent show.
I'm sorry. I never should have done that.
I promise I'll never lie toyou again, okay?
- You made it. - Made what?
You passed the audition.
I did? I did?
Oh, my goodness!
Really? I did?
But they want you to lose the end with the paint.
Really? Please let me do it. Please let me do it.
I can't let you be in any talent show, Mary.
But I can help you to star in one.
You see that there? I danced in that show on Broadway.
And these dead stems...
used to step-ball-change...
two shows a day, six days a week.
If you're going on the stage, Mary,
I don't want you stinking up the place...
with some paint dance.
Grandma, you don't know how much this means to me.
There's this boy at school-
No boys.
If you're going to do this,
you're going to do it for yourself, like I did.
- Higher! Kick higher! - I can't. It's hard.
- Razzle, dazzle! - I don't know what that means.
- Windmill, windmill! - Windmill, windmill.
Oh, Frances!
Sweet Frances, please don't die.
Frances, Frances, please don't die.
Frances, go back. She needs you.
Go back.
You wanna go fetch? Go fetch.
Go fetch. That way, my dog friend. Go on.
Frances.
She's alive! You're all right.
Super. Now,
if we really want to knock them on their keisters,
we're going to need a chorus line.
One, two-
- What's his problem? - I got the D.T.'s, Mrs. Gallagher.
D.T.'s are from being drunk, not high, you fruit.
He's got his fake addictions confused, Mrs. Gallagher.
No, I- I'm just so high...
I think I'm drunk.
We've got two days to the big show.
So when I say kick, you want to kick.
When I say dip, you dip.
When I say tap, you tap.
- When I say- - They get it, Grandma.
I've got two more. When I say booga-booga, you booga-booga.
- What's "booga-booga" mean? - I don't know.
But if I say it, you better fuckin' figure it out.
"My life"
"Is ever so perfect"
"My life"
"Has been a bed of roses"
"And you might think I'm crazy"
"So what, if I am"
"My head is full of good things"
- "Enough for everyone" - Whoa!
- "Beautiful" - I slipped. Everything's fine.
- "All I see when I look at me" - Slip-a-roo.
"Beautiful"
"Every mother's dream"
"Day by day"
" What"
"A wonderful life"
Yeah!
Superstar.
- Hi there! - Howdy, neighbor.
Undeviled eggs! Lady crucifingers!
- There's my grandmother. - Oh, my God.
It's all MaryMag-delicious!
There's Maria's parents.
Good evening, everyone!
Welcome to St. Monica's Catholic High School.
So, are we all ready to fight VD?
I hope that you're as excited as I am...
to see who will win this free trip to Hollywood...
with a chance to appear as an extra...
in a movie with positive moral values.
But first, let's not forget...
we would not be here tonight if it wasn't for VD.
VD rules!
A pus-filled, b- b-blistering,
sinful malady...
that a few of you may already have come in contact with.
You must resist, children.
Resist the urge that lingers in your loins.
But as the saying goes-
"Girls have a button and boys have a pole,
and wicked touching takes its toll. "
So you must be strong and resist.
For those who are weak will no doubt one day...
burn and fester in the swollen...
VD-infested, fiery pits of hell!
But let's have some fun and meet our judges. Over here-
Hey, are you guys ready?
- Mare, we're, like, really nervous. - Yeah.
What if they make fun of us?
Okay. I just wanna say one thing to all of you.
Don't listen to the names that people call you.
If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you.
- You are your own rainbow. - Wow.
That's really insightful.
That's from The Initiation of Sarah starring Miss Shelley Winters.
- Yeah? - Cool.
Okay, from Catholic Teen magazine,
we have teen gossip columnists George and Moira McDaniels.
Welcome and thanks for joining us.
Well, it's show time here at St. Monica's.
So let's get things started with our first contestant,
Howard Feinstein!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Tonight, I'm going for the full monty.
"Lookin' for some hot stuff baby, this evenin"
"I need some hot stuff baby, tonight"
- "I want some hot stuff" - Enough! Come on!
"Baby, this evening"
Perhaps this would be an opportune time to thank Howard's father.
Hi, Mary.
The school therapist says I have to apologize, so I'm sorry.
And, Helen, I'm sorry I made fun of your very hairy lip.
I was going through a really difficult time, but it's fine now...
because Sky and I are together again, dancing in the show.
And, um, what I'm really trying to say is...
good luck.
Mary, I'm, like, really sorry...
'cause I know how hard you worked to impress Sky tonight.
It's okay.
Tonight is for me, not for Sky.
"Entering"?
You're not gonna miss theshow, are you?
- Roadside thing's freaking you out? - Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher's subconscious idea of God.
- Okay. - Okay.
Now, just my take on this,
but you might want to reconsider this bike ride.
Why?
Because I'm working in a mysterious way here.
Man!
Notice how you tried to leave town, but it didn't work out,
- but you just kept on trying? - Right.
What say you take that positive attitude and apply it to-
I don't know. Maybe you could help me.
Any thoughts?
Mary!
You think... Mary likes me?
Why'd I make everyone so insecure? Here's a clue:
The Lord God...
is materializing on a highway...
to guide you to her.
Now, look, that's the real road out of Besamee Heights.
The decision is up to you.
Thank you, Helen. Quite a feat of strength.
Thanks. The amazing Sean!
My brother.
Next up, uh, we have Sky Corrigan and Evian Graham.
I just want everyone to know...
that even though Evian and I are dancing together,
- we're still broken up. - Yeah!
Repeat: broken up.
Thank you.
Huh!
PepperMill!
You know you want me back.
We're dancing together, but we've grown apart.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been two days since my last confession.
Mary Katherine, aren't you supposed to be in the show tonight?
- You're not supposed to say my name. - Oh. Okay.
- Go ahead. - Okay.
I feel really bad because...
I've committed a sin of selfishness.
All my life I've asked God to make me a star, every day.
I'm always thinking of myself.
And tonight, I just want Him to know that...
it's okay if He never does that for me.
It's all right.
I'll never ask for anything again if he does one thing for me tonight.
And what is that, my child?
Please just get me through tonight safely for my grandmother.
Watch over me so that I can watch over her.
Mary, it's time to go on stage. Go.
Use the gifts God gave you.
Allright. Um-
Our last contestant tonight,
Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
You suck!
Make-believing
Is hard alone
Out here
On my own
We're always provin'
Who we are
"Always reachin '"
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
" Out here"
" On my own"
When I'm down and feelin' blue
"I close my eyes so I can be with you"
"Baby, be strong for me Baby, belong to me"
- Help me through - Help her through
Help me through
Pop!
Bam! Pow!
- Mary, it's too fast. - Just keep going.
Mary!
Get up, Mary!
Get up! You can do it!
- We don't know what to do. - It's okay.
- What do we do? - Just follow me.
Follow Mary, you guys.
Yeah!
Are you ready? Good.
Well, I'm pleased to announce that the winner...
of the Catholic Teen magazine's free trip to Hollywood...
with a chance to appear as an extra...
in a movie with positive moral values...
is Mary Katherine Gallagher.
What?
Evian. Hey.
I just wanted to say that I think...
you did a really good job up there tonight.
You showed a lot of energy and enthusiasm, and I...
really like your choice of costume.
But I just feel really bad for you, 'cause I guess...
you didn't know that you were competing against a...
superstar!
Hey, Mary.
- Hey. - You really do have some nice moves.
Thanks.
So what did you think of that?
It was okay.
It was bad. Blech!
So I let Sky go,
and I figured it was time to let my dream go too.
'Cause maybe that's all it would ever be-
a dream.
Or maybe not.
You said to jump in.
"And sometimes when we touch"
- " The honesty's too much" - I'm outta here.
"And I have to close my eyes"
- What are you? Gay? - Five times more gay than you think.
Four more to go, peaches.
"I wanna hold ya till I die"
" Till we both breakdown and cry"
"I wanna hold ya till the fear in me"
"Subsides"
And that's my story.
That's my entire story.
I wanted you to know so you would understand...
why I can't see you anymore.
So... I guess this is good-bye.
What are you saying?
You want a good-bye what?
No, I can't.
I can't. I'm seeing Slater now.
Oh, you're so bad.
Okay, just one for the road.
- " Get up, get up, get up" - " Ooh, yeah"
" Get up, get up, get up"
" You wanna be a star Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest at who you are"
" Gotta reach for the stars"
"Baby, 'cause you're the one"
" Oh, you can sit in the room"
"Staring at the paper on the wall"
"Don't be such a loser"
" Going out to the call"
" Oh-oh"
"Life is short but it's wide"
"So you gotta have a solid plan"
"Everybody's waiting"
"Now it's time you began You can"
" You wanna be a star Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest at who you are"
" Gotta reach for the stars"
"Baby, 'cause you're the one"
"Show them who you are Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest at who you are"
" You got something to say"
" Get up and seize the day"
- " Get up, get up, get up" - " Ooh, yeah"
" Get up, get up, get up"
- " Get up, get up, get up" - " Get up"
- " Get up, get up, get up" - " Oh"
" Getting up can be tough Even tougher than the going down"
"Brush it off like nothing"
" Then you take it to town"
" Oh-oh"
" Ooh, when your life is a film"
" Then you've gotta play the leading role"
" Take it to the limit"
"But hold on to your soul 'cause you're"
" You wanna be a star Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest at who you are"
"Something to say Get up and seize the day"
"Life is gloomy without you"
"So wake up What you gonna do, yeah"
"Hurry up before it's through"
"It's your life, you know"
"So let go"
" Yeah"
" Oh-oh, oh-oh"
" You wanna be a star Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest at who you are"
" Gotta reach for the stars"
"Baby, 'cause you're the one"
"Show 'em who you are Be a superstar"
" You can be the greatest at who you are"
" You wanna be a star"
" You wanna be a star Be a superstar"